Dads and Partners
As the main supporter for a pregnant woman and an expectant parent yourself, your feelings and needs can sometimes be overlooked.
Your role is really important. We know that the early involvement of a dad or partner has many benefits for children and your support will be invaluable to your partner too.
When should you worry?
Newborn
NEWBORN
Contact your health visitor or GP if your baby is newborn and they…
- Feel very stiff, for example:
- Hold their arms and legs in the same position, such as always pulling their arm into their chest, or always crossing their legs
- Find it difficult to change their position on their own
- You may also find it difficult to move your baby’s arms or legs, making it tricky to change their nappy or clothes
- Feel very floppy, or have floppy arms or legs when awake
- Move their arms and legs in repetitive jerky movements, or writhing movements
- Don’t have a Grasp Reflex (doesn’t grab your finger or small object when you put it in their hand)
- Are often startling and you cannot understand why
- Move one side of their body more than the other, for example:
- Rarely moves one of their arms compared to the other arm
- Rarely moves one leg compared to the other leg
- When your baby startles, one side moves or looks different from the other
6-8 weeks
6-8 WEEKS
Contact your health visitor or GP if your baby is 6-8 weeks and they…
- Feel very stiff, for example:
- Hold their arms and legs in the same position, such as always pulling their arm into their chest, or always crossing their legs
- Find it difficult to change their position on their own
- You may also find it difficult to move your baby’s arms or legs, making it tricky to change their nappy or clothes
- Feel very floppy, or have floppy arms or legs when awake
- Move their arms and legs in repetitive jerky movements, or writhing movements
- Have not started to bring both their hands to their face, or do not move their arms much
- Keep their hands fisted, and you find it difficult to open their hands
- Can’t lift their head when lying on their tummy
- Move one side of their body more than the other, for example:
- Mostly moves one arm or mostly brings one hand to their face
- Rarely kicks or moves one leg compared to the other leg
2-3 months
2-3 MONTHS
Contact your health visitor or GP if your baby is 2-3 months and they…
- Feel very stiff, for example:
- Hold their arms and legs in the same position, such as always pulling their arm into their chest, or always crossing their legs
- Find it difficult to change their position on their own
- You may also find it difficult to move your baby’s arms or legs, making it tricky to change their nappy or clothes
- Feel very floppy, or have floppy arms or legs when awake
- Move their arms and legs in repetitive jerky movements, or writhing movements
- Have not started to bring both their hands to their face, or do not move their arms much
- Keep their hands fisted, and you find it difficult to open their hands
- Can’t lift their head when lying on their tummy
- Move one side of their body more than the other, for example:
- Mostly moves one arm or mostly brings one hand to their face
- Rarely kicks or moves one leg compared to the other leg
3-4 months
3-4 MONTHS
Contact your health visitor or GP if your baby is 3-4 months and they…
- Have lost skills which they could do before
- Feel very stiff, for example:
- Hold their arms and legs in the same position, such as always pulling their arm to their chest, or always crossing their legs
- Find it difficult to change their position on their own
- You find it difficult to move your baby’s arms or legs, making it tricky to change their nappy or clothes
- Feel very floppy when awake
- Prefer to keep their arms by their sides. For example, they do not reach for things, or do not bring their hands together over their face or tummy
- Move their arms or legs in repetitive, jerky, or strange ways
- Still need you to support their head, or can’t lift their head when lying on their tummy
- Have very tight fists and it’s hard to open their hand
- Move one side of their body more than the other, for example:
- Rarely use one of their arms to pick up toys
- Rarely kick one leg compared to the other
4-6 months
4-6 MONTHS
Contact your health visitor or GP if your baby is 4-6 months and they…
- Have lost skills which they could do before
- Feel very stiff, for example:
- Hold their arms and legs in the same position, such as always pulling their arm to their chest, or always crossing their legs
- Find it difficult to change their position on their own
- You find it difficult to move your baby’s arms or legs, making it tricky to change their nappy or clothes
- Feel very floppy when they are awake
- Move their arms or legs in repetitive, jerky, or strange ways
- Move one side of their body more than the other, for example:
- Rarely use one of their arms to pick up toys
- Rarely kick one leg compared to the other
- Are unable to roll, or can roll in one direction but not the other
- Find it difficult to reach their arms out. For example, they do not reach for toys
- Still have their early reflexes, like the startle reflex and grasp reflex
- Keep their legs flat when lying on their back. For example, they do not bring their feet to their chest
- Still need you to support their head
6-9 months
6-9 MONTHS
Contact your health visitor or GP if your baby is 6-9 months and they…
- Have lost skills which they could do before
- Feel very stiff, for example:
- Hold their arms and legs in the same position, such as always pulling their arm to their chest, or always crossing their legs
- Find it difficult to change their position on their own
- You find it difficult to move your baby’s arms or legs, making it tricky to change their nappy or clothes
- Feel very floppy when they are awake
- Move their arms or legs in repetitive, jerky or strange ways
- Move one side of their body more than the other, for example:
- Rarely use one of their arms to pick up toys, or eat and drink
- Rarely kick one leg compared to the other
- Can’t sit without support. For example, they lean on their hand, or, when they sit, their back is very curved
- Still have their early reflexes, like the startle reflex and grasp reflex
- Keep their legs flat when lying on their back, for example, do not bring their feet to their chest
- Still need you to support their head
- Still need you to help turn their head when lying on their back
- Can’t crawl, or find it hard, for example, drags one of their legs behind them
- Find it difficult to stand, for example:
- Can’t stand with support
- Doesn’t try to pull themselves up to stand
- Can’t move a toy from one hand to the other
- Doesn’t use both hands to hold larger things
9-12 months
9-12 MONTHS
Contact your health visitor or GP if your baby is 9-12 months and they…
- Have lost skills which they could do before
- Feel very stiff, for example:
- Hold their arms and legs in the same position, such as always pulling their arm to their chest, or always crossing their legs
- Find it difficult to change their position on their own
- You find it difficult to move your baby’s arms or legs, making it tricky to change their nappy or clothes
- Feel very floppy when they are awake
- Move their arms and legs in repetitive, jerky, or strange ways
- Use one side of their body more than the other, for example:
- Lean to the side when they sit
- Use one arm to pull to stand more than the other
- Rarely use one of their arms to pick up toys, or eat and drink.
- Rarely kick one leg compared to the other
- Find it difficult to sit, for example:
- Only sit with support
- Lean on their hand when sitting
- When they sit their back is very curved
- Can’t move a toy from one hand to the other
- Don’t use both hands to hold larger things
- Don’t point to objects
- Can’t crawl, or find it hard, for example, drags one leg behind them
- Find it difficult to stand, for example:
- Can’t pull themselves up to stand
- Find it hard to pull themselves up. For example, they only use their arms and don’t push with their legs
- Can’t stand with support
2 months
Your Baby By Two Months
Social/Emotional Milestones
- Calms down when spoken to or picked up
- Looks at your face
- Seems happy to see you when you walk up to her
- Smiles when you talk to or smile at her
Language/Communication Milestones
- Makes sounds other than crying
- Reacts to loud sounds
Cognitive Milestones (learning, thinking, problem-solving)
- Watches you as you move
- Looks at a toy for several seconds
Movement/Physical Development Milestones
- Holds head up when on tummy
- Moves both arms and both legs
- Opens hands briefly
4 months
Your Baby By Four Months
Social/Emotional Milestones
- Smiles on his own to get your attention
- Chuckles (not yet a full laugh) when you try to make him laugh
- Looks at you, moves, or makes sounds to get or keep your attention
Language/Communication Milestones
- Makes sounds like “oooo”, “aahh” (cooing)
- Makes sounds back when you talk to him
- Turns head towards the sound of your voice
Cognitive Milestones (learning, thinking, problem-solving
- If hungry, opens mouth when he sees breast or bottle
- Looks at her hands with interest
Movement/Physical Development Milestones
- Holds head steady without support when you are holding him
- Holds a toy when you put it in his hand
- Uses his arm to swing at toys
- Brings hands to mouth
- Pushes up onto elbows/forearms when on tummy
6 months
Your Baby By Six Months
Social/Emotional Milestones
- Knows familiar people
- Likes to look at self in a mirror
- Laughs
Language/Communication Milestones
- Takes turns making sounds with you
- Blows “raspberries” (sticks tongue out and blows)
- Makes squealing noises
Cognitive Milestones (learning, thinking, problem-solving)
- Puts things in her mouth to explore them
- Reaches to grab a toy she wants
- Closes lips to show she doesn’t want more food
Movement/Physical Development Milestones
- Rolls from tummy to back
- Pushes up with straight arms when on tummy
- Leans on hands to support herself when sitting
9 months
Your Baby By Nine Months
Social/Emotional Milestones
- Is shy, clingy, or fearful around strangers
- Shows several facial expressions, like happy, sad, angry, and surprised
- Looks when you call her name
- Reacts when you leave (looks, reaches for you, or cries)
- Smiles or laughs when you play peek-a-boo
Language/Communication Milestones
- Makes a lot of different sounds like “mamamama” and “bababababa”
- Lifts arms up to be picked up
Cognitive Milestones (learning, thinking, problem-solving)
- Looks for objects when dropped out of sight (like his spoon or toy)
- Bangs two things together
Movement/Physical Development Milestones
- Gets to a sitting position by herself
- Moves things from one hand to her other hand
- Uses fingers to “rake” food towards himself
- Sits without support
1 year
Your Baby By One Year
Social/Emotional Milestones
- Plays games with you, like pat-a-cake
Language/Communication Milestones
- Waves “bye-bye”
- Calls a parent “mama” or “dada” or another special name
- Understands “no” (pauses briefly or stops when you say it)
Cognitive Milestones (learning, thinking, problem-solving)
- Puts something in a container, like a block in a cup
- Looks for things he sees you hide, like a toy under a blanket
Movement/Physical Development Milestones
- Pulls up to stand
- Walks, holding on to furniture
- Drinks from a cup without a lid, as you hold it
- Picks things up between thumb and pointer finger, like small bits of food
Advice and Guidance
Finding out your partner is pregnant can be an emotional rollercoaster. You are probably finding that your partner is very emotional too – the hormones of pregnancy can make women very tearful and dealing with all this is not easy. Confide in friends who are already fathers/parents and who know what you are going through. Give your partner a little time – talk to one another about all the changes in your lives and give your friends and family chance to spoil you and look after you – they’ll want to – make the most of it.
You will want to support your partner, but knowing how, can be difficult, especially if she is feeling very tired and sick in early pregnancy. She may be grumpy and it can be difficult to know what to do for the best. Knowing more about what’s going on and what to expect can help you feel more confident. You will be very welcome to attend antenatal appointments and ask questions and lots of areas run sessions to help you prepare for parenting, or parents groups. Ask your midwife what’s going on in your area.
It seems obvious that a pregnant mum needs to look after herself to help her baby be healthy, but so do partners. Looking after your health now has lots of benefits:
- If you smoke you will damage your growing baby’s health. Stopping will help your baby and will be supportive to your partner if she is trying to give up too.
- Eat well and take exercise. Mum is being encouraged to eat healthily and keep active and if you join in too it will help her. You will both begin life with your new baby feeling better and more able to cope with the stresses and strains of being new parents.
- Setting good habits now makes it easier to have a happy and healthy family life as your baby grows
- Get Professional Help Call the free Smokefree National Helpline on 0300 123 1044 to speak to a trained expert adviser. You can visit the NHS Smokefree website Quit smoking - Better Health to find your local stop smoking service and other support available.
Dads and partners are important, whatever shape or size your family. Sometimes, especially in the early days after birth, some partners feel a bit lost or not sure what to do. Partners sometimes feel left out and envious of the baby.
Your new baby is the ‘star of the show’, quickly followed by mum because she did all the hard work of giving birth. Mum will be getting lots of attention because she needs to recover from the birth. Where does that leave you as a partner?
Partner’s role
Your job for now is to look after mum and baby together. Keep them safe and support mum by doing all the practical things so she can focus on your baby. Do the shopping, the cooking and washing. In a few days or weeks, your baby will become more interested in the world around her and they’ll need feeding slightly less often. They will want to play with you when they is awake and you will learn to comfort and soothe them. The support and understanding a mum receives from those around her – her partner, parents and friends – can make a huge difference at this time. If people around her think about how she’s feeling, then she is more likely to be able to concentrate on providing the physical and emotional care for your baby.
Skin to skin is not just reserved for mum. It is vitally important that dad and partners also partakes in this ancient art of snuggling with their new-born. In fact, this close contact with dad and partners brings about many of the same remarkable benefits as it does with mum. Being warm and snug in your arms, is your new-born’s favourite place to be. They often cry less, sleep better and are more content when warm against your skin. Be that mum or dads. Research has shown that skin to skin at birth with both parents is important. This is your opportunity to begin a bond with your child.
Research studies have shown that even 30 minutes of skin-to-skin increases dopamine and oxytocin and lowers testosterone, doing exactly what it needs to – creating the natural bond between parent and child. Once your baby has had a good hour or two with his mum and finished the first feed hold your baby close in skin to skin contact.
Most brain development occurs between birth and age two, so babies and toddlers need stimulation as much as they need nourishing food. The best way to stimulate babies’ brains is to connect with them through ‘mutual gaze’ and talk to them from the moment they are born. Gaze directly into your baby’s eyes, talk to her and wait for her response. This stimulation will strengthen the connections that make learning possible. It will also help her learn to talk, because it is from listening to your voice that she will learn to use language. Good speaking and listening skills will help them to become a good reader and writer later on.
Communicating, talking and interacting with your baby will help them to develop social skills and good relationships. It is also a way for you to show that you love and respect them and help their self–esteem to grow. Spending time talking with them will help the two of you form a close bond. Communication is the basis of your relationship with each
As well as needing practical help, new mums need support, reassurance and someone to listen to them. There’s so much you can do to help:
- Be ready to listen and pass the tissues when mum is emotional
- Remind her that the baby blues are common and will pass
- Make sure she isn’t overwhelmed by visitors
- Help with the baby
- Offer to do the cleaning, cooking and ironing
- Make sure she gets as much rest as possible
Dad’s view: “The important thing to remember is that it’s not the big things that make the difference but as many little things as possible. A cup of tea, a cuddle or telling great auntie Zelda that no, she can’t come and visit. Again. It’s being the arm around the shoulder without being dramatic about it.” Craig from Cardiff Bump, Baby & Beyond (Public Health Wales)
In theory having a baby should be a joyous time which brings you and your partner closer. In reality it can sometimes put a real strain on even the best relationships. You can both be tired and can feel your world has been turned upside down. Partners can feel ‘shut out’ by the new arrival. Your sex life may well suffer and that can put pressure on you both.
Support can be found at:
Website: Home | Relate
Website: Same sex parenting relationships - Family Lives
Website: NCT - Two-mum families: sharing experiences and support
Website: NHS 111 - LGBTQ+ Having Children
Link: Same-sex parents | Pregnancy information and support | NCT
This section may be useful if you want further information or support about Parental Responsibility, Child Maintenance, Access and Contact and DNA testing. This does not cover all legal matters that a dad or partner may want to know about, however these are the common topics.
Parental rights: https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
Child maintenance: Child Maintenance Service: What child maintenance is - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)
Child care: Get help with child arrangements - Get help with child arrangements (justice.gov.uk)
DNA testing: Get a DNA test: Overview - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)
Self care and Prevention
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